hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
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