all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
The ass gains better be worth it
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
