I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
