I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Randomize
