just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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