Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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