did you get engaged???
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
i used baking grease as lip gloss
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
