i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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