She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize
