I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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