I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
