my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
My vagina just recognized that song.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
