Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Randomize
