duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
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