I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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