My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
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