he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
