my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize
