People in love make me want to vomit
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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