do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
he quoted the bible to break up with me
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
