this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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