remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Randomize
