I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize
