This is not my ceiling
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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