five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize