so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
