im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
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