I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
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