Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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