I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
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