My girlfriend figured out who you are.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
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