Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
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