So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
