i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Randomize
