I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
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