didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize