i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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