Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
