Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize
