Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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