haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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