he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
