can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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