Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I want to be your penis for a week.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
