My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Randomize
