my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
