She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
