I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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