mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
