You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
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