did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
