so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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