please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Randomize
