I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize