$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
