My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Randomize
