Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
