Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
