try this...when you orgasm scream his address including city state and zip...
two words: eviction party
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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