I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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