I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Can you bring me the toilet please
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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